Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
