i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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