It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
