we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
