I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
