I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
