I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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