I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
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