I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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