He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
