is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
