Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
