can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
