you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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