Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize