She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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