Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
