Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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