The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
