My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
