You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will pee on everything he values.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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