Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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