How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He better not be in your backpack
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
