The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
