Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize