her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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