The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
She bit a glass in half.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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