Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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