Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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