did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
