all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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