i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize