Sorry, I don't speak sober.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Someone signed my nipple.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
