Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
