all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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