I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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