i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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