i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
