This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just cropdusted the office
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
