i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
