I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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