Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
