News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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