Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i've created a new STD.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
