I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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