i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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