I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
