sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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