I wish I could teleport
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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