That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i've created a new STD.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
