I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
