if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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