I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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