My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
