Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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