he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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