i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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