wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
