I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
All the doctor said was why
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
