No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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