Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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