So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
false alarm. still invincible.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
