I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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