Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
