dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
