Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
