I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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