it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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