At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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