Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She bit a glass in half.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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