I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
