I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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