we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Let's get the cat blown out
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
