she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
