He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I just found a bag of teeth...
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
